In my thirty-five years of experimenting with old and new psychoactive agents, one stands out in my mind above all the others. It may be because of my particular temperament and value system. It may be because I like to find favorites and invest myself in them, whereby they then take on the holy glow of my special consideration.
Whatever the reason, I try very hard to be objective, and information on the efficacy of this particular substance has come in from many directions. Most all of the input confirms my belief in its special efficacy. My view that it focuses on our difficulties is not particularly confirmed, although most agree with the outstanding results.
The substance is 2C-E, code name for 2,5-dimethoxy-4-ethylphenethylamine. Its depth of profound activity had been discovered many years prior to my use. Much of this time had been taken to assure that its power was manageable and could be truly useful to others. My first use was when I was completing recovery from surgery. I feel that it added substantially to my recovery rate, as well as having other outstanding characteristics.
For me, 2C-E turned out to be the most powerful truth serum I have ever encountered. It seemed to absolutely insist that I become completely honest and face my difficulties. As I got into the experience, I became quite uncomfortable. This was a massive, amorphous, unidentifiable discomfort that clung to me. I rapidly learned that the discomfort stemmed from the unresolved difficulties in my life. Many of these are discussed in detail in the reports that follow. As I confronted these difficulties and dealt with them, they subsided. I was then able to enter powerful, transforming experiences.
At first, tinges of uneasiness would stay with me throughout the day. I felt that the substance refused to let go of me until I resolved the problem producing the stress. This often kept with me well into the night, although there would be frequent waves of outstanding splendor.
The next day (except for the very first trial) all traces of the discomfort vanished. I would feel rejuvenated, renewed, full of new life and new vigor. These positive feelings would stay with me longer than with any other substance. It was as though something very real had changed inside, so that part of my inner being was transformed in a more complete way than with other substances.
I would most always feel that I had risen to a new level of being, and had broken through to a new kind of freedom and joy. However, much to my disappointment, this state was short-lived, and I would lapse back to previous habits where I would become subject to being tired and sometimes out of sorts. But as time went on with repeated experiences, I spent less time in the uncomfortable states and more in true enjoyment of the experience. Likewise, my day-to-day life held up better in the comfortable, enjoyable spaces. And after two years, and with somewhat lighter doses, I could spend the whole day's experience in very enjoyable states!! These euphoric states are closely correlated with the most significant kinds of learning.
Below are excerpts from some of the detailed reports of my experiences with 2-CE over a three year period:
I take 12 m.g. of 2C-E, selecting from the known range of 10 to 20 m.g. In the early hours I move through quite a bit of heavy stuff, but I accept it gracefully. In the middle and late afternoon I reach an enormously rewarding, exalted state.
In about 40 minutes from starting, I feel slightly squeamish. I lie on the sofa, looking out the window. I feel very heavy. I accept this and enjoy the view. It feels great to lie down, relax, let go.
I examine a sacramental ritual worked out by a good, knowledgeable friend. It focuses me in a rewarding direction and leaves some of the discomfort behind.
I find it rewarding to sit up in a meditating position; it immediately intensifies the experience. I remember hearing a Bartholomew(2) tape yesterday saying achieving spiritual awakening is like birth, moving from a confined area to expansion. This is certainly happening to me now. Walls dissolve and I rapidly expand into space with marvelous elation. Then I begin to feel fear. I simply breath through the fears, and as I do this, they dissolve and are replaced by a comforting elation.
I lie down again. I experience the enormous intoxication of power. I am very taken with it; it feels marvelous to have and exert power. Examining the attraction of power, I am struck with a deep, deep sense of failure. I feel inept and completely unsuccessful as a writer. In fact I have developed no skills at all other than intellectual. Even with the thing I feel best at, sharing sacramental journeys, Jean does most of the work and I do very little to help host our guests. I feel my unworthiness far stronger than ever before. I see the deep Jewish pattern of developing intellectual and highly critical mental faculties with no genuine warmth. In fact, it makes us very critical of others, and unliked. I also profoundly feel again that projects for solving mankind's problems are very inappropriate if we can't get along with the person we live with. I see how very primitive is the evolution of mankind; we are still in the earliest stages of development. Because of our powerful egos, it is extremely hard to get along with the one other person we live with, much less additional ones in the same household. It seems almost hopeless for groups to learn to live together. I see why two different groups that I know are trying to develop satisfactory communities. While I don't know any that really work, I become much more sympathetic to their efforts.
Meditating again and holding my mind steady, a deep, extremely profound and powerful light grows within, completing revitalizing my insides. I keep meditating, but can't hold the focus. I realize that I must express gratitude for such a profound experience and balance it with activity in the world, not just keep seeking more experience.
Outside I am fascinated by the loveliness of the sky and the way the clouds light up. We dwell on gratitude, which makes everything open up more and more beautifully. All shades of discomfort, tiredness, and lethargy are gone. My body feels rejuvenated, overwhelmed with beauty. There is a marvelous flow of energy and feeling between Jean and me. Clouds are incredible, and come fully to life as I hold still to watch them. Thinking is extremely clear; there is a wonderful flow of insights.
I decide to investigate the power of love. The beauty, love, and wonder grow indescribably as I watch. Gratitude continues to intensify it all. I feel that one need never be afraid to look and discover something, because if you don't search with love, you won't be able to find it. Our fear prevents the opening. When one searches with love, the love overcomes the fear and opens the door. If one is afraid of death, one won't find out anything significant about death until one looks with love. And it seems to me that whatever one looks for with love is discovered.
Jean leaves and I sit on the deck to watch the clouds. I feel loneliness at her departure. I accept this and look at it, and find I can't be alone while realizing God is with me. I become absorbed in His presence, watching the beauty. I then realize that everything I am looking at is me, and as I look around at the beauty and feel gratitude, I am playing with myself! This is a fantastic feeling. I watch the dogs sitting quietly on the deck, totally attuned to the sounds they hear, the energies that surround us. They appear to have an enormous capacity to thoroughly enjoy themselves by being in tune with all of nature around them.
Taking the dogs for a last evening walk, the loneliness comes over me again. I feel loneliness as the greatest human problem, and see we can do an enormous service to relieve the pain of others if we can help them to learn to look for their fulfillment in God, where they need never be lonely again. My own loneliness disappears as I turn my attention to resolving the loneliness of others. This seems axiomatic: my own pain disappears as I am concerned for others.
2C-E is a truly remarkable material. It is powerful, and helped me work through some extremely heavy negative feelings. With a reasonably light dose, it permits exploring the vastness and the exalted as well as anything I know, and better than most. It is a wonderful substance, and richly deserves much more exploration.
While this first introduction to 2C-E was extremely rewarding, I felt there were still areas within me requiring resolution. So two weeks later I repeated the experience with a somewhat higher dose, 15 m.g.:
I close my eyes to seek inwardly for an answer. I find I am extremely frightened by growing old. I am desperately trying to stay alive, trying so hard that I am using energy that would keep me alive for a long time. I fetch a mirror to examine myself. As I look, I feel I am much too involved with myself. I need to turn my attention to the welfare of others. It feels preferable to be more concerned for Jean's well-being. I must learn to overcome the inertia that keeps me from doing things.
Apparently something within me won't forgive. I decide to once and for all look deeply into my past to see if something happened to me that is the source of all of this misery. I remember from last time to look with love. It is hard work searching with the light of love, but it is extremely rewarding. As I lovingly search it is very pleasant, and a lot of deeply repressed material releases. It feels superb. Very striking, pronounced imagery begins to flow, as a beautifully-colored, flowing fluid. It is marvelous to watch; it requires holding very still.
I am feeling much better, and I take the dogs out for a walk. I am again overcome by loneliness; I simply breathe through it. I feel a great, awesome sense of trust for the universe. We have unending ingenuity to solve all problems and make life wonderful for everyone, if we can develop the correct attitude.
I think again about the problem of how very difficult it is for people to learn to get along with each other. I feel I am living my life as a test of whether this can be done. Can two people who often don't like each other learn to love and care for each other? I brought Jean out here away from everything so that we completely confront each other and learn how to do this. For all it's ups and downs, it's working!
I start up a hill, and it seems there is a light shining down from above. I postulate in my mind that when I reach the top of the hill, I will be in glory. I reach the top, and I am!! I am surrounded by light and beauty. The clouds are all lit up, revealing enormous splendor! I am overwhelmed with euphoria. At last, I thought, I have the secret to becoming creator. I need only to think and imagine remarkable things, and they will come to pass. I felt this is what happened: my mind projected it, and then a more powerful inner force brought it into reality. I am absolutely elated. I sit down to do more. But it won't work!!
I am thoroughly dismayed, and sink into depression. I didn't have the secret after all. I look at the mountains and become still. I become aware of the old Buddhist axiom of not striving. It seems clear that if I pour my energy into creating beauty and euphoria, this simultaneously creates an empty hole which I will subsequently experience as the opposite. The answer is equanimity -- let things be as they are.
I remain still for a while. I am so still I can hear all the rumblings within my body -- my heart beating, the blood circulating. I become so still that I can hear the very heart of creation. It lasts only a second, but enough to convince me that in that stillness is the source of everything.
Several times during the day I was able to look up into the light and draw myself into a higher, more wonderful state of being.
Jean comes home while I am just returning from outdoors. I am in a strange space, not elated nor enthused, feeling rather empty. I feel perhaps I had taken too large a dose, and had no volition over the experience. And it was more fun when Jean accompanied me. Jean puts on some peppy music, and I am transformed. I dance freely, energetically, and all vestiges of ill feeling disappear. I gather energy as I dance, and am elated. Physical movement brings an exhilarating transformation.
That evening I realize that I really am creating my life more wholesomely, that focusing on good thoughts and outcomes does bring results. I feel I have opened a whole new door to life.
We continue our explorations of 2C-E. I have two major personal goals. The first is to resolve the heavy feelings I accumulate with the passage of time. The other is to become as free as possible, and explore the farthest reaches of the mind. The obstacles to both these objectives were discussed in the latter part of Chapter 2, pages 34 - 36.
Another experience: Jean and I worked a lot on our communication, finding 2C-E an excellent material with which to develop honesty. A very profound insight into my relationship to Jean is realizing that the discomfort I experience with her is not the result of what Jean is doing to me, but what I am doing to her! After all, why should the intelligence that runs the universe make us suffer for what other people do? It is our own actions for which we must account. It took a great deal of honesty to permit this realization.(3)
Some important spiritual realizations came in the following experience:
Late in the afternoon we sit on the deck. The sky is full of clouds, and is absolutely beautiful. I look out, thinking that this is all me. I remember both Richard Moss and Bartholomew saying that we are already whole. I begin to experience this.
I get into the mode of prayer. I thought I had recently mastered this in my everyday life, but it dissipated away. Now it is in full force. I very much feel God's presence. I look Him in the face (as nearly as I can project Him directly in front of me!) and ask Him to show me myself. He immediately does so. I find it extremely difficult to sit still enough to receive the answer, but I do it. As I relax and let go, I see the incredible beauty of the sky and my surroundings, and understand that this is me. Tensions build up in my body, and I know this is resisting. So I relax more and let God reach in and heal. He is so very, very gentle, if I just let go and allow His penetration. A brilliant light grows in the clouds, with enormous power, beauty, and light. It feels very satisfying to have it happen spontaneously, rather than my making it happen.
Then I grow empty; the exalted feeling is gone. I simply relax and let it happen. Then I find myself looking at the cold, heartless core of myself that I first experienced in a previous experience with my son. I observe it for a while, and then a powerful anger grows in me. I realize that I am the Anti-Christ!! Everywhere, I move to defeat God and His goodness. I try to seduce God by being kind and loving, to use His ways, but actually I want to destroy Him and all His works!
Then a marvelous thing happens. As I sit looking at my rebelliousness, a subtle feeling begins to grow in my gut. It grows stronger and stronger. Then I realize it is God's love! It continues to grow stronger, and I discover that He loves me despite whatever I do, no matter how much I am against Him. This is an utterly indescribable love, binding all of creation. It is truly unconditional love, the most perfect model we can emulate.
The clouds have become incredibly beautiful. It is impossible to find the words to describe them. They are alive and charged with meaning. My perception of them is crystal clear, and it is profoundly moving to watch them. With the sharpness of every minute detail, varying shades of light and color, moving patterns and shapes, they exemplify the indescribable nature of pure being.
This is one of the greatest experiences of my life, surpassed only by the one in 1963 when I became God. But I feel that today's realization is more profound and will be more accessible, since so much has been cleared away in order for me to feel it. It is glorious to bask in, to be this love. I realize that it is there all the time, and it is simply a case of letting it in, becoming it.
After a while I begin to feel empty again. I realize that I did not express appreciation for the outstanding grace I experienced, and instead am looking to intensify it. I spend some time in gratitude and appreciation, which restores elation, bringing back all the good feelings in full intensity.
2C-E is remarkable, the most effective psychedelic of which I know. It attacks the inner dross, and while it is not always pleasant, it is tremendously rewarding, bringing great honesty and clarity. I look forward to additional exploration.
Ten days later: I have had better retention of this experience than any previous one. I am still plagued with the problem of backsliding, but I'm handling it better.
In the following experience, some very interesting phenomena occurs:
Gil is stewing in his problems. I am feeling very heavy, and decide to take a supplement. Gil tells me I don't need it. I know he is right, remembering the last time we were together that things cleared up when we faced and resolved issues. I feel we need to do the same here. It works!
Later we are outside drinking in our surroundings. Again I am feeling bogged down. I decide to look inside as I try the same approach of allowing myself to feel the feelings in hopes of resolving them. But this time it comes to me that this is an old habit, and I now have lots of evidence that it takes a new direction of focus. I look up into the sky, which is filled with beautiful clouds. I begin to get an amazing sense of energy there, and I open myself to allow it to flow in. It does, and everything starts to change. I allow love to come in and wash away the old feelings. The beauty of the clouds grows to incredible intensity, and the feeling of love among us grows in proportion.
It is an outstanding day, with a superbly beautiful assortment of clouds. There is a giant, long lenticular cloud, starting about 15 miles to the north and extending southward, covering us and beyond to the south. The lenticular cloud has many layers of rounded, smooth surfaces, built on one another. In addition, there are spaces in the clouds revealing many different layers of formations, and these are moving in different directions. As we look up we are overcome by the remarkable feeling of aliveness, the continual movement, the vastness and spaciousness. We observe the delicacy of design in different clouds, varying from mists to ripples to eddies to strings of cotton and lace. All are in a vast, alive, moving whole, radiating enormous energy. We are completely captivated. And behind it all is an enormous sense of Presence.
Gil and I both feel the infinite energy source that is radiating into and filling the sky. I express how powerful is the mind of man, that we can shut all of this down until we are oblivious to it. I pray to be as open as possible, and accept it as fully as I can.
I practice being very still, which allows things to open further and become more profound. I experiment with holding the thought of love, which allows copious volumes of love to mobilize and pour into us, the surroundings, and the world. I verbalize what I am feeling, "When two or more are gathered in my name, there will I be also." Jean asked, "Why two?" I have had a lot of experience lately in feeling the Presence while alone, but the presence of the others definitely deepens considerably the feeling and profoundness of the love I am experiencing.
I can't imagine what could be more beautiful or more blissful than what we are experiencing together. Earlier in the day I had had trouble feeling deep closeness to both Jean and Gil. Now the closeness and communion are overpowering. I delight in looking up at the clouds and playing with my mind. Is it best to simply hold still, or to choose an issue for my mind to focus on and let the universe unfold it? It works both ways, and seems best to switch back and forth, as if sticking to one dynamic gets overdone. At times I feel tension rising in my body, as I am so invested in pouring out love. I realize I don't need to do this, and relax, allowing the love to flow in from the Source.
Now a new phenomena commences. As the sun descends behind the mountain, the sky fills with amazing colors -- wonderful purples, pinks, even some green, and delicate shades of blue where there are no clouds. It is incredible, nothing like anything ever seen in my life; some of the colors I have never seen before. We walk around the house to see various parts of the sky, as the display is going on everywhere. Each direction yields a different pattern.
Then we notice something that we can't believe or account for. The sun is now set comfortably behind the western mountains, but in the east, rays of light are shining forth as from a new sunrise! We watch for quite a while, and the rays change somewhat and get more intense. But we can't unravel what is causing it. It seems to us to have very special significance, such as a new dawn for mankind.
This show goes on for at least three hours. Another strange thing happens. As the sun sets, the huge lenticular cloud hanging over the valley and suspended over our heads grows dark. But then it lights up again, with a wonderful cream color! This lasts another half hour, and is as inexplicable as the rays in the east.
We are all very grateful and very moved by this display. It seems to have special significance tied in with our experience. Especially as the huge, lenticular cloud dissipates and shrinks, the body of it stays directly over us.
We are deeply impressed with the enormous power that has appeared from beyond the range of our ordinary perceptions. We are filled with awe at the unfathomed mystery of creation, and this direct demonstration of how little we ordinarily apprehend. Gratitude fills us to overflowing, and we re-dedicate our search to the unfolding of the Mystery.
Still further exploration with 15 m.g. of 2C-E:
At two hours the experience is wild, I am extremely energized, almost jittery, but I can't get into a space of feeling good. None of the impressive things I felt in the last experience, like God's unconditional love, seem available. I have a brief period of doubt wondering if I should have taken so much so soon after my last trial without spending more time integrating. Then I remember my goals and close my eyes and go to work.
For the next couple of hours I release to inner experience, staying focused on my feelings and working through them. I go through myriads of intense feeling -- deep anger, powerful tensions -- much more intense and deeper than the previous experience. I feel I am cleaning up debris down deeply in my core, and feel very good about what I am doing. As I work through these deep feelings, I feel better and gain more volition. This goes on for several hours.
I look at different situations and see with remarkable clarity. I look over my recent visit to Texas and clearly see my dynamics with several individuals that left unresolved feelings. Through forgiveness I am able to feel genuine love for the parties concerned.
All this time I am surrendering to the experience, using what volition I have to simply stay focused on what is happening. Then it occurs to me that I must take a more active role. I feel I must grab the torch and carry the light of love into the dark places, clear up the agony and suffering. This is very hard work, since I feel so tired and the resistance is so great. But with determination I get it started, and then God moves in and helps me. It begins to work beautifully, and my whole experience turns around. This becomes an incredible endeavor. I see that this is my role, to be a channel for God to carry His light into the dark places. I am overcome with emotion and the magnificent feeling of God's Presence and appreciation. Mere words cannot possibly describe the beauty, satisfaction, and fulfillment of this understanding.
After feeling exalted, I lapse back into uncomfortable feelings. But I realize that my job is to move in and clean these up with love. Instead of looking at the feeling, trying to understand it, living through it, I recognize the negative feeling as an indicator to where love needs to move in. I focus love on the negative feeling, and see that this is my role, -- to relieve whatever agony and pain I can see anywhere by being a channel for bringing in the light of love. It is the highest service, and requires a willingness to face deep pain, which I had certainly done a good part of the day. This isn't easy, and I can see clearly why I have avoided it. However, the knowledge of God's power and love makes one a willing instrument, whatever the cost. I feel very rewarded and privileged.
Jean has gone to her favorite chair by her desk, and I go to sit with her and watch her. I go through my feelings of being inadequate as a man, and feel energy swell within me. I turn on some dynamic music and we dance. Energy surges through me, and I am overcome with realization after realization of love. I feel God pouring through me, and that I am an open channel. The feelings are indescribable. I am inordinately privileged and full of joy, for as I dance, God is dancing, and He appreciates me making it possible for Him to do so. And everything around me, like our cat, relishes this opportunity to be with God. I easily assume different roles and postures. I am a wild young lover, and quickly change to a creaking old man, which I delightfully demonstrate by hobbling bent over around the room.
Then I am a ballet dancer, followed by a curious child. I am full of fun and joy, and at the same time enormously overcome by the sheer wonder, beauty, and ecstasy of it all. Then I feel very blessed for having made and stuck to my commitment to Jean. Many times it has been tough and very uncomfortable, but now I am reaping the rewards. I would never have rooted out these deep barriers in my soul unless I had relentlessly pursued seeking love in this relationship.
First, I felt that no one is asked to undertake such a mission. It is arrived at through gratitude for the wonder and magnificence of creation, and the desire to give back some small measure of the prodigious bounties one has received. I am sure that there is gratitude throughout the cosmos for each individual who willingly subscribes to this assignment.
Second, the full implications seem extremely difficult to realize. For it seems to me that one cannot perceive the full range of possibilities without first clearing out one's own personal limitations. This is an extremely difficult, and for me very painful thing to do. The difficulties are enormously compounded when one realizes that they are not one's own personal difficulties that must be faced and resolved. For heightened awareness reveals that I am one with all of creation. As I discovered in my very first psychedelic experience, I am one, part and parcel with all of humanity. And as I realize this, and appreciate the enormity of the gifts of all of humanity in which I share, I simultaneously realize that I share the pain and suffering of all of humanity. So it is not only my own personal shadow I must confront and resolve, but the collective shadow of all mankind!
I can not help but wonder why it is necessary to go through all of this pain and suffering. But one thing was very deeply impressed upon me. The more willing I became to confront this vast array of agony, the more aware I became of the unfathomed, unending supply of love that was available to counter it. And it was not up to me personally to vanquish the misery and suffering of mankind. This can only be done by the redeeming love of God. And because of the dictum of Free Will, God's love can best be brought into play by willing participants who consciously agree to be channels for this love. This means being willing to stand before the most horrible and agonizing conditions and focus the energy of love upon them. The redeeming power is in the love itself, and comes directly from the Supreme Source. Yet regardless of the willingness of those who play this role and the power of the universal force that supports them, what is actually received depends on the openness and willingness of the recipient.
I doubt if one enters into such realization suddenly. For myself, it was the growing awareness of God's love and light that increased my trust and encouraged the willingness to go deeper into my pain, which also made the pain continually less uncomfortable.
Many of these conditions are outlined in Joseph Campbell's outstanding book The Hero With A Thousand Faces.
Here the journey is presented as viewed in a great variety of
cultures. The basic elements of the journey are the same: the call and search, undergoing
trials, the discovery of the redeeming Father, and the return to the world to aid in the
redemptive process. "The problem of the hero going to meet the father is to open his soul
beyond terror to such a degree that he will be ripe to understand how the sickening and insane
tragedies of this vast and ruthless cosmos are completely validated in the majesty of Being."(7)
. . . . . . .
This is the first of a series of planned investigations to explore different dose ranges with 2C-E:
Wondering why I am so tired, I discover deep anger at growing old. I terribly resent it and the bodily discomforts that accompany it -- stiffness, arthritic symptoms, stiff neck, less energy. I resent the loss of my powers. I see I need to grow old gracefully. My fussing over it only makes it worse.
I walk outside to my flat rock (see description of the flat rock in Appendix III, Procedure). I am besieged with a variety of points of view. I see my struggle for goodness and light, the conflicting horrors of the world, the different positions of others. It all seems like nonsense. Then an overwhelming insight descends on me: The whole purpose of life is simply to enjoy!! If it's no fun, forget it.
Listening to the Berlioz Requiem, I am flooded with admiration for Berlioz's skill as a composer and the sheer magnitude and beauty of the composition, as well as the skill of the performers. I am immediately moved to a profound level of love. It seems the most beautiful composition I have ever heard, astounding in content, creativeness, and performance. At one point, I see death like a troop of Hitler's Gestapo, marching toward me. It is intermingled with the light produced by the beautiful soprano voices. Death is not threatening.
Then the horn crescendo bursts forth with the most incredible honor to God imaginable. I ride with it, but I am not completely immersed in the music. Part of me is holding back, mocking. I feel my total independence, total reluctance to being told what to do, my colossal arrogance. Then another utterly outstanding passage sweeps me completely away. No matter what I do -- rape, murder, cheat, lie, steal -- God still loves me!! I am totally undone, and cannot contain my sobbing. The profundity and absolute constancy of God's love is beyond comprehension. Jean is having a full blown experience just being present. I pray to learn to love with the kind of love I have just experienced.
This was incredibly moving, and released all the inner tension and unresolved feelings I had been experiencing. We hear the rest of the music in phenomenal joy and delight.
The rest of the day goes beautifully. I am in a wonderful space of clarity, and can examine many different things. Sitting on the deck with Jean, I become aware of many aspects of her beauty. A marvelous feeling of peace steals over us. The world around us is filled with beauty and the Presence of the One. If a discomfort arises, I focus God on it, and it resolves. However, I find that if I try to make this a rule, it stops working. It is only by maintaining a live, deep interconnection with God that He joins me in my endeavors. Otherwise it is the ego taking over to establish its own power. But in general, discomfort and negative experiences are melted in love.
I think about the differences between 2C-E and LSD. As great as the latter is, with its outstanding clarity and beauty, this somehow feels more kindly, more strongly centering, more fruitful. Who knows whether this is a genuine difference in substances, or a reflection of the work that has been done, or some other factor? What I can say is that it is an amazing working material, with a very great deal getting accomplished.
During the day, I become aware of my enormous self-hatred. Also, I clearly see that the things I resent in Jean's behavior are simply a reflection of my own poor behavior. At one point, sitting on the deck with Jean and pondering different relationships, it seems clear that no matter who you chose as a partner, you will probably end up reflecting to each other the other's worst characteristics, calling for resolution. I again see my own reluctance to put myself out much for others, and this results in a very uncomfortable energy block within me.
I think over the day's experience. What a marvelous, outstanding day!! I encountered a great deal of my own unnecessary baggage, and 2C-E, as I claim, seems to burn it up. And as the dross burns away, the light can come through. I am enormously grateful, especially the next day, when I feel completely rejuvenated and whole. I am very glad I stuck with the low dose. The feelings encountered were at times quite uncomfortable, but I realize that they are me, and that it's very important to be at home with them. Clearing them up, or being willing to ride through them, permits an outstanding high level experience for me.
Watching the sundown while walking out on the rocks is a marvelous experience. I am completely at peace all alone, an important achievement for me. It seems clear that the very best I can do, both for me and the state of the world, is to simply be fully who I am. If I can maintain this state, it will automatically work out the best for everyone.
As the underlying negative feelings dissipate, I am left with a wonderful sense of well-being that perceives everything that happened in an exalted light. I very much appreciate the uniqueness of my own being, and see that we each have our own experience to offer. I can be proud to contribute what I experience without trying to prove anything or convince anyone.
A good uphill climb following this experience proved that my body was much rejuvenated. Exercise is a marvelous way to integrate the experience and throw off some of the residue left after a hard working day. I found I had dropped my concerns about aging, and many of the bodily symptoms of aging were gone.
I set up this day to take a light dose of 2C-E. It is my hope that the lighter amount will elevate me into higher energy than normal, allow me to accomplish the ordinary tasks of the day more efficiently, and enjoy a higher state of "Presence." I also hope to learn to overcome resistances to chores, as has happened with previous small doses of other substances. In addition, I wish to find out if the dose will be light enough to not stir up the deep, uncomfortable feelings I almost always encounter with this substance.
I lie on the sofa. I realize I don't know shit. How preposterous, to speculate creation!! I don't even know how an amoeba came into being, or if anyone does!
I look at the vastness of the unknown. I can see how fearless exploration with these substances might lead to gaining knowledge of how life came into being. I realize that the universe has been created in love. Then I experience the roaring anger of not knowing, which brings me back to the keyboard to write again. The following are my live notes:
This is a raging, raging anger. I don't know, and I absolutely hate not knowing, but at the same time I don't want to do what it takes to learn!! What a dilemma!! The dilemma of the world!!
At two hours, this is getting very intense. I am surprised at the intensity. I am typing perfectly!!! This is a real change, as I ordinarily fill the page with typos. I am going through a great struggle. I feel the need to stay conscious, in control, master inner feelings and work as a conscious human being. Right now this feels good. . .
Ten hours later: I had decided to go to my meditation rock (described in Appendix III). When I arrived there, I was feeling awful, dragging a heavy load. I was out of breath and had to force myself to climb the hill, which I was determined to do. A brief look around did not bring my accustomed contact with the Numinous. I lay back and relaxed with eyes closed.
I would really be a writer if I could describe what happened. I simply put myself in the hands of God, and all the discomfort began to slide away. This contact is the only contact in life that is important. It leads to everything worthwhile. But mostly it permits simply settling into what we really are, our true inner Self. Here I am tempted to use flowery adjectives, or expansive descriptions. But no, it is simply who we are. Resting there, being there, is beyond any description. Wonder? Glory? Profundity? As far as I can stretch my mind, the adjectives won't do. All the little devices, the little tricks I used to use to encourage me into this state, all seem terribly inept and even manipulative. Allowing? Letting? Are these better words? As I struggle for expression, the feeling once again comes over me. I want to do everything I possibly can to encourage it, to deepen it, to remember it in a way that can never be forgotten. All I can do is ask. The rest is up to Him.
But that's not true. I can do a lot! Prepare the way for the Lord! I see myself shouting, screaming, calling forth glorious music. Yes, prepare a way! And that way is an emptying out, a total cleansing so that He may enter an untarnished room, free of any dross whatsoever, and fill it with His radiance. Don't put new wine in old wineskins. But how can we possibly make it clean enough, pure enough for His Holiness?
Only in the clean, pure fire of love. Nothing else will do. It is love that burns out the dross. It is love that purifies and cleanses.
Light the fire of 2C-E! Let the flames burn away the dross, burnish the core of radiance that awaits to shine forth!
I was stuck with this concept of creating the clean space, what it really means, and is it truly necessary? Not knowing how to proceed, I abandoned my writing. Now, three days later, being driven through the Owens Valley of Eastern California, I am continuing my report:
It is interesting that we spent the day yesterday hiking in the mountains with a student of Tibetan Buddhist meditation. We discussed a number of factors concerning reaching and maintaining a stable, clear mind. I have to say at this point in time that the best aid I know to getting the most realization from these psychedelic experiences, as well as on a day-to-day basis, is the mind training of utter stillness. It is this stillness which allows the Celestial to manifest itself in our consciousness, and to become our constant companion.
This trial with only 8 m.g. of 2C-E brought forth many lessons. The outstanding ones are:
In summary, despite the initial discomfort, I had a most rewarding experience of Pure Being, immersed in the fullness of the One, and an impressive glimpse of the superb beauty of the feminine nature which seems to be my soul. Several hours were devoted to wearing away my internal resistances and learning to function with my feelings as they are. This resulted in a marvelous day following the experience, when I was rejuvenated, whole, full of energy, and feeling enormously competent. A hike two days after the experience was most refreshing to the body. It was my highest climb in many months, and was negotiated almost effortlessly.
I am finding that my pattern after 2C-E runs something like this: The day after is one of great rejuvenation, centeredness, strength, and energy. This is followed by some disruptions as I learn to accommodate the new energy that has been released. There may also be some fresh upheavals of new unconscious material which may take a day or two or three to integrate. Then a new steady-state condition arrives, which most of the time is on a new plateau of functioning.
With the smaller dose, this aftermath has transpired rapidly. I am awed at the power and effectiveness of such a low dose. In fact, it seems that the lower amount is much more effective in dealing with problems close to where you live, and improving day-to-day functioning.
After some absence of experiments, I am ready to focus on new exploring rather than "cleaning up" stuff. I take 12 m.g. 2C-E. Jean takes 10 m.g. Despite this resolve, I find it necessary to spend some time in the "cleaning up" process. Once through this stage, we encounter some interesting, fresh revelations:
I am feeling much better, and I make a comparison in my mind between 2C-E and LSD. The latter is the king of all openers, presenting the broadest, freest range of experience that I know. Yet now it seems to me that it is largely mental. The mind moves freely through all kinds of universes, but these universes can rapidly dissolve away after the experience. And I find myself involved in almost compulsive ongoing mental processes after such experiences.
2C-E, on the other hand, seems to strike much deeper within at an affective level. The changes made are much more permanent, or so it seems to me. Internal resistances, repressed feelings, and the debris that accumulates from contact with life burn off, leaving one free and whole and more strongly centered. It still requires focused attention to get the most from the experience.
I am suddenly aware of the deep, deep anguish inside of me crying for God. I see that all the pain of the world is this separation from God; this anguish is widespread. This pain is so intense that we bury it deeply, hoping never to feel it. To help us hide it, we pretend other things are important: status, accomplishments, possessions, amusements, power. But while we may temporarily enjoy such stratagem, the anguish remains undiminished until we finally address it. It may take lifetimes, but it is the only course to ultimate peace.
Then I see that I can pour in my love to help dissolve this pain. At first this feels absolutely wonderful. Then I begin to wonder, how far does this go? I don't need to support everyone, because doesn't each individual need to learn how to do this for himself?
Then an overwhelming realization descends upon me. This wondering is an intellectual attempt at escape. Even though it is true that each must resolve his/her own relationship to God, nevertheless I must give this loving support to every living being! And I can do this, because I am God, and can draw on infinite resources to support every creature! And there is no living thing that can be left out from this consideration! This is an overpowering realization. [I later discovered that it is a principle foundation of Buddhist philosophy that enlightment can be achieved only by committing oneself to the happiness and well-being of all sentient beings.]
I realize that from this point of view, the greatest service is to answer needs. The needs of every living creature everywhere demand attention, and answering them is what counts most. I can see how blind the world is to this proposition, especially with the War on Drugs and other wars, where people attempt to free themselves of their real responsibility by disposing of the offending creatures, or pursuing their own private interests.
As I sit overwhelmed with this responsibility, it comes to me that my first concern is my own partner and my own home. It is very clear that much needs to be done right here to be a demonstration of Divinity. With further reflection, I see that I don't need to go out looking for persons to help, but only need to deal with what naturally comes up for me in my life. It is also clear that looking for a way to help others can be a way of dodging one's own personal responsibility.
At five hours into the experience, I decide to see what it's like to write under the influence:
I am beginning to feel very good. The clouds outside have an indescribable, ephemeral beauty. I could easily spend the rest of the day just watching them.
But Jean says, if she were a painter, she should be in her studio painting. And if I'm a writer, I should be sitting here writing. So here I am!!
Do I want to try to recount where I've been? I don't think so. It's been tremendous, much learning, much insight. But is there some deeper, underlying principle? I can feel something deep within my breast. It is crying for expression. If I only knew how!!! Somehow it is the thing that makes everything make sense -- all the ups and downs, the euphoria, the deep depression, the agony, the screaming for recognition -- something underlies it all. Is it weeping? I feel that it must be, because it cares so very deeply. Now I feel helpless, because no words could ever approach it. And yet, it must take some more tangible form, some more tangible shape. I am on the edge of some great promise of what is to be. What is it??? WHAT IS IT????!!!!
A whisper of an eternal wind. What an eloquent, sublime feeling! I am annoyed because my manual skills are not paying due respect to the sublimity of experience. What is this whisper in the wind, what is this remarkable feminine Presence? I want to leave the keyboard and just experience, yet something holds me here. Oh, if I could only just let it flow through me in its utter elegance!! What would it be like to be tuned to the very center, to the fountain of utterances! And to have those utterances sublimely directed!! What word could possibly be given to account for it all?
Only one word. GRATITUDE. ---------------- Gratitude. Gratitude.
Gratitude has its limits. You can only be grateful for the reality that you can perceive. Therefore to be fully grateful, one must encompass more and more reality. As I look up into the sky, I see the beauty and wonder expand enormously, and my gratitude swells with it.
What happens if one opens one's mind to what is beyond that and then beyond that and then beyond that????
I look up at the sky and expand indefinitely. Nothing specific comes. Just unending visual clarity. I hope for some accompanying feeling of bliss, like Dr. Wolff's experience I had recently read, but affect was absent. Then all of a sudden, a great realization strikes me. Many people that are now being born are the ones that were pushed aside in the past by those asserting their own programs. So when you murder them and put them out of the way, they only come back!! Sooner or later we are going to have to learn to deal with them!! There's no escaping them!!! At last an answer to the theme that has been reoccurring through the last several journeys -- why does the population keep exploding?
We have no choice. We must learn to get along with each other.
One of the interesting developments in the 2C-E research was the discovery of the efficacy of this substance at relatively low dose levels. Reports came in of excellent results with difficult psychiatric cases at the 10 m.g. level. Jean and I began experimenting more at this level, and found it very effective.
We found that 10 m.g. was a very appropriate introductory level for subjects with prior experience with psychedelics. In our first trials with new persons, I often warned them that my own experience with 2C-E indicated that it was a hard working material. This meant that much of the time one might be forced to confront uncomfortable feelings, so that the journey might not be pleasant. This was compensated for by the improved state of being which followed the experience.
This turned out to be inaccurate information. While it held true for me, it didn't seem to hold true for others. With at least a dozen other subjects, the experience was found not only rewarding but enjoyable. In fact, all of our trials with other persons employing 2C-E have been very fulfilling experiences, including new learning, increased bonding of participants, wonderful feelings of closeness and heightened energy, access to high level realizations, and rejuvenation following the experience.
In one case a couple who invariably had extremely uncomfortable experiences with 2C-B and 2C-T-2 found 2C-E at the 10 m.g. level very enjoyable as well as useful.
I was often surprised at the power of such a low dose. The composition of the group has a significant bearing on the ensuing results. One experience with 17 m.g. did not reach as much intensity or clarity or deep, solid, good feeling as another with 10 m.g. in a different grouping.
The section entitled Bill and Joanna in Chapter 11 contains a description of how outstanding an experience of 10 m.g. of 2C-E can be with very close friends.
In the act of recounting these experiences, I have been moved again and again by the wonder of the vistas that have been opened, the exposure of the utter goodness that underlies the universe, the inconceivable love that permeates all of creation, the incredible wonder that is Man, and the opportunities that lie before us. I am immensely grateful for having been privileged to undergo such experiences.
As I ponder the blessings that have come my way, I fervently hope that others with similar aspirations may have access to the same opportunities. May we find the determination to brave the government regulations governing research and find ways, either through taking the complex steps to compliance or through more favorable regulations, to proceed with research of these very valuable substances.