In pouring over the records of our work, it took a great deal of selection to choose the accounts to include in this volume. I wished to present those which might contribute most directly to the understanding of psychedelic substances and their possible application. At the same time, I did not wish to be repetitious or too wordy.

I was left with several incidents which I felt were significant and was reluctant to leave out. I include them in this chapter for those who may enjoy more information.

1. The marvel of self. Related by a friend who most of her life has struggled to feel secure: Wondering why I am so unloved, I see myself as a purple flower. All the petals are people who love me. I am encouraged to look into the center of the flower. The deeper I look, the more I discover I am loved. Then follows an intriguing series of vignettes, episode after episode of life-type events. Each depicts how marvelous I am -- how insightful, sensitive, perceptive, intelligent, helpful, capable, witty. I am shown every dimension of how great I am.
2. Fear of love. I speculate out loud on a realization I had a few days earlier: why are we so afraid of love? In the ensuing discussion, I feel the deep anguish of being separated from God. I see all the foolish things people do to try to allay this anguish -- the drive for accomplishment, recognition, acquiring wealth, seducing the opposite sex. None of these bring ultimate satisfaction, which comes only from going directly to God.
3. Mount Shasta. Now as I look at Mount Shasta and am able to hold my mind steady, I see it as a mighty symbol of beauty and love and of enormous power. It becomes crystal clear to me that violence only begets violence. We are absolutely trapped, and strive as we may, twist and turn as we may, we can never get anywhere except through love. This is the universal law, and I have never felt so powerfully bound by it. Because this mighty mountain is an outstanding symbol of God's power, humans scramble all over it to prove that they can master it. But whatever satisfaction they get, it is only an expression of colossal arrogance until they understand that real living involves loving and brotherhood.
4. Encountering another. The highlight of the experience comes for me about three hours after starting, when I sit down to talk to Elnora. I become very free, open, insightful and spontaneous. I wonder why she is making such issues of what seem to be such petty things. I look at her and find myself moving deeply within her. The pain is incredible. She has had a miserable childhood, with no love or support. Her father physically abused her, and her older sister once tried to smother her to death, almost successfully. I can hold my focus and bear the pain only with the help of God's love. I hope that by holding steady, it will help her free herself. She looks back at me directly, and grows in strength and beauty. She is radiant and extremely honest. I feel and verbalize that she is a true warrior of God.

   Having agreed on our understanding of karma, I ask her why she had chosen to be born into such an abusive family(1). She's not sure, but it seems clear to me, though I prefer not to say, hoping she will discover it herself. She is extremely sensitive, easily hurt, and I feel that the inner wisdom which guides her life chose these events to permit her to learn how to develop her inner strength. I have a clear view of Christ, who would gladly pick up her burden if allowed.

   I ask her if she has ever seen her own inner strength. She claims that she has, but I somehow don't feel it, at least not at the depth that would burn up all the misery she is carrying.

   This encounter with Elnora felt particularly real. I felt totally free of my personality, and operating from a very profound level.

5. Enjoying life. After some time spent enjoying the wonderful feelings of love, I find a tendency for uncomfortable feelings to arise. I realize that there is still something deep within me that insists on turning things sour. In fact as I look at people, I often see them as miserable and uncomfortable. It occurs to me that I am projecting my own unhappiness upon them.

   I decide to directly face this place within me. I hold my attention there, and encounter enormous resistance. But I maintain my attention, and the uncomfortable feeling begins to be replaced with a good one. I become more and more aware that everything is good, that everyone, despite my projections, is enjoying life far more than I realize, that enjoyment is a major aim of the unfolding processes of life. I feel better and better within myself.

6. Feeling fully. I am aware of walls within myself holding in feelings. I feel the wonder of allowing all of my feelings to be open to the fullest extent, regardless of what the feeling is. This is what it means to be truly alive. It is an alternate way to describe wholeness or liberation -- to feel every feeling to its fullest, richest capacity. Usually we allow ourselves a mere fraction. Feeling the full depth is exquisitely satisfying, be it pleasure or pain. For being fully alive is so totally satisfying and appropriate that even pain is exquisite, for from this vantage point we see that pain is a by-product of love.
7. Gratitude. Fatigue is growing. I realize that I had gathered in a lot of energy, and now it is important to express it. I get up and busy myself in the kitchen. Immediately I feel worlds better. My body is extremely light and clear, and I am very energetic as I take care of tasks. I experience doing tasks and serving others as a way of expressing my gratitude for all the wonder and beauty of the day; it brings fulfillment. I again see clearly that to keep the experience alive and not fall back to previous states, it is important to fully appreciate everything that happens. This requires feeling and expressing the enormous gratitude that such realizations deserve.
8. Reaping rewards. We are on the shady deck watching the sky. We move into an extraordinarily beautiful part of the experience. I find that if I look at anything with complete attention, it begins to unfold and come to life. It is much more enjoyable doing this in the daylight and observing aspects of nature, rather than focusing within. I realize that my ability to do this and the clarity with which I am able to see my surroundings is a result of the work I did previously. The experience has turned to sheer beauty and enjoyment.

   The next morning, after breakfast, a marvelous euphoria begins to rise within me. It mounts higher and higher until I am overcome with delight. Suddenly all the discomfort that I had gone through for years is paying off with enormous dividends. I say to Jean, "Whatever it is we have to do -- face demons, pain, anger, fear, anguish, repugnance -- it is all worth it to reach this marvelous level of euphoria, come unbidden and of its own accord."

   I also remember past realizations that whatever time is spent directing one's gaze at God is never wasted. It is somehow stored up within, to release itself in a wonderful flow of feeling or creativity at some later, appropriate time.

9. Partnership with God. Moving to the sunny side of the house, we are protected by the shade of our trees and a bit of cloud cover. The view of the mountains past the green meadow is unusually striking this time of day, and for the next hour, we simply quietly relish it. I find myself preoccupied with what seems like a difference between Tim's view and my own. It is his recommendation to continue to surrender to the feelings until they resolve themselves. I feel that he considers any attempt to direct our feelings is ego. My past experiences support the view of partnership with God, where He wants a viable partner, capable of taking initiative, and providing some interest. I decide that I must test this further.

   Occasionally of late I get a glimpse of a higher order, where a special kind of light seems to pervade everything, and there is an immense joy and brilliance associated with it. I feel this is contact with a higher celestial level. I start to pay attention to this, and hold my gaze steadily on it, inviting God's participation. After a while all my surroundings and my body begin to glow with love. I relax the resistances that develop as I hold my gaze, and stay focused on the love I am feeling. This love starts slowly at first, but then deepens and deepens, until I am filled with a remarkable euphoria. Everything is glowing, outside as well as within my body. I hold my mind still and simply enjoy the beauty and superb feelings.

   I hold this for about an hour, and feel all charged up inside. For the first time I can ever remember, I feel that perhaps I have experienced enough euphoria.

10. From time to eternity. We go down to the pond and pick a nice spot under the willow tree, where we can appreciate the delicate shades of light on the water, the intimacy of growing things all around us, and a delightful sky with a great variety of cloud formations. It is peaceful to simply sit and observe. We are both still carrying some dregs of discomfort. I decide to explore what happens when I intentionally focus on love, trying hard not to direct it, but simply holding the focus so God can join me and reveal more clarity. The beauty grows, and the feelings change to euphoria. I am aware of the wonderful energy coming from Jean. I also get the sense that God is very lonely, as so few people turn their attention toward Him. But despite the lack of response and His sadness over it, He is constantly pouring out His love to all of creation. It is a sublime feeling to pour out my love to God. As I think about love, I realize that true love gives of itself and gives generously, and asks nothing in return.

    Suddenly I have an experience I have never had before. It is as if the stream of time suddenly splits, and there is a little crack in the continuity. I slip through the crack, and encounter Eternity!! In the region of Eternity is the most incredible love, far beyond any understanding of it that I have previously known. I remember the quote "Love is Eternal," and see that all true love exists on this level, which seems to be in another world beyond our ordinary world of daily affairs, and completely independent of time. It is there waiting and supporting, and ready to enter our individual world when the circumstances are right.

    I remember Bartholomew telling me in a private reading that whatever we do in love always remains, is always with us to be carried on through other lifetimes. How marvelously satisfying to know that this level is there, and that we can learn to reach it and hopefully participate in it more and more. This alone gives great meaning and purpose to life. It is exquisite to sense this dimension of loving Eternity.

    I again try to slip through time to re-experience it fully. It is hard to do, but I am enormously satisfied to know that it is there, that it is possible to experience it, and I know that having done it once it will be possible to enter again. What greater goal in life can one have than to learn to enter this incredible domain over and over again?

11. Buddhism and Psychedelics. I enter a phase which is the most important part of the experience for me. I hold the clear space within, and get an enormous appreciation of the whole Buddhist movement. These are probably the most committed people on the face of the earth in surrendering their lives totally to God, honoring God, and being channels for His light.

    I see the enormous beauty of my meditation teacher, his dedication, and his accomplishments. Although I have been a little critical of a lot of the structure that has developed around Buddhism, I see this as relatively insignificant. It is all part of the process of developing a system to train new adepts, and have them learn enough to eventually become their own source of Being.

    I look up at the mountains, seeing not only the enormous strength of the mountains, but the strength and power of the Buddhist tradition. I see how committed seekers are willing to patiently spend years and years of practice to reach the point of being touched by God, an experience that is so earth-shaking and so rewarding that it is a completely sufficient reward for all of the years of patient meditation. Having just had a fresh taste, I can appreciate the full depth and power of such an experience. And this of course is what has driven the whole movement, there being adepts who have so experienced the Numinous that they inspire many others to dedicate themselves to the same search. I feel an enormous appreciation for all of the teachers and traditions that keep this movement alive and moving forward. And a great appreciation for my teacher's place in it.

    So in the light of the full awareness of the importance and power of tradition and the work of all the wise ones who went before, I address the problem of understanding as clearly as possible the role of the sacraments. I can see that the use of substances represents a universal problem. There are always bright, fresh people who want to break away from tradition and establish their own approach. There is a paradox here. In one respect, a lot of such breaking away is ego-driven, the need for individuals to establish their own sense of importance. Yet it is extremely important to continue to find new and better ways.

    The proper way, as I experience it, is to fully appreciate and honor those that have gone before and what they have contributed. I have often been reluctant to do this. I see that the motive for breaking away from tradition is extremely important. It is essential to be devoted to truth, and to be truly serving the Highest, which means being aware of the best outcome for everyone.

    The end objective of all the practices is very clear: to establish contact with the Source. >From this point on, the Source becomes the Guiding Light, and each individual becomes a sustaining, expanding channel for the Highest. It is clear that the work we have done with psychedelics has greatly accelerated this process. This has been accomplished by clearing out conditioning and repressed material, which permits more ready access to the inner core of being, the source of light. The psychedelics are practically a necessity for Western peoples, who are not going to sit for hours attempting to discipline their minds and develop sufficient power of attention to reach the higher levels of being and understanding.

    With the opening provided by a good psychedelic experience, persons will more readily embrace a life of personal and spiritual growth. Disciplines aimed at such developmental goals become much more appealing. In addition, a good psychedelic experience enables a person to more readily attain rewarding states of meditation practice. The time to reach gratifying states of peace, stability, clarity, and rejuvenation is compressed, and the levels achieved are more profound.

1. Some esoteric traditions that accept reincarnation believe that between births, the individual has an opportunity to review past lives, particularly the most recent one, from a much broader, unrestricted perspective. As a result, decisions can be made about the next incarnation. Situations and events can be chosen which will best foster future growth. Since Elnora accepts this view, I could take this approach with her. See also the discussion of Past Lives Therapy, Chapter 4, pages 63-64.
2. Buddhists do not use the word God, but refer to Buddha nature, the inherent, essential ground of mind and of reality. I am sure there is no real difference. I experience this dimension in such a personal way that I deeply feel and am personally convinced of a Supreme Creator and interactive Teacher. Consequently I prefer to use the term God. My perception of God embraces all the aspects of reality taught in Buddhism. But it includes the recognition of an active Force that is not always apparent in Buddhist teachings, which often tend to be much more passive. I see this as a major difference between Western religions, which are highly theistic, and Eastern religions. I strongly feel that each has much to offer to the other.