Gratitude

Trinity Heartsong

Almost three years ago I had the opportunity to live with a spiritual teacher who was gifted in working with the sacred medicines-everything from LSD to mushrooms to MDMA to ayahuasca. At a particular point in my spiritual work with her, she suggested that it was time for me to experience MDMA as a way of opening myself ever more deeply to my own heart.

In my life to that point I had had little experience with anything other than marijuana, aside from one divine experience with mushrooms. I was nervous, yet could feel at 47 years of age after decades of dedication to my own awakening process, the appropriateness of the timing and my own readiness.

When the day came, we sat together within the sacred space she had set for my experience. I took the little white pill and sat back to see what would happen. I was nervous, nervous, nervous.

My teacher could tell when the medicine was just beginning to come on and suggested I lay back, cover my eyes with a blindfold and try to relax into what was about to happen. As I lay back and just tried to breathe, I suddenly felt the medicine kick in. I experienced myself immediately moving fluidly out of my body and into a state of pure love, bliss, and joy like I had never before experienced. It was not that I was feeling emotional states; this state of being was pure love, bliss, and joy. All of my doubts and questions about my worthiness disintegrated in an instant that lasted for hours. I simply melted into this "Is-ness" that was me, everything, and nothing all at the same time. For the first time, Oneness became more than just a concept and a dream and a vague knowing. I was it; and yet there was no "I." Self-perception, yes, but in the context of "The All Which Is."

Needless to say, I was profoundly changed by this experience. I went on to have many other experiences with my teacher and many other medicines as I steadily, profoundly, and intensely awoke to more levels. It soon became clear that I was diving into the most profound part of my own ongoing journey toward Wholeness. I never saw this coming. Never. And yet, when I went into each and every experience with medicine, it always had a bit of a familiar flavor to it for me. It was as if I had been doing this my whole life and had simply forgotten who and what I was. It was like waking from a deep, long sleep through which I had been dreaming a dream of such hardship, pain, and suffering.

These experiences have changed how I experience everything: myself, "others," what we call "reality," and what is possible for us to awaken to, experience and know. My path of service has radically changed over these years. I now commit myself and my "life" to my own continued and limitless awakening, and, through the embodiment of these experiences, to supporting those who find their way to me in midst of their own unique and beautiful process.

I will always hold such deep gratitude for my teacher, who had the wisdom to know when the time was right. Also, for the medicines, who are so dedicated to helping human beings re-connect to their human beingness again. Finally, to myself, who found the courage to say "yes" and the will to stay the path no matter how frightening, arduous, or challenging I may have made it for myself.

Thank you for the opportunity to write just a small bit of what has transpired for me over these years. I have not written any of this down as of yet. This feels like a wonderful place to have started.

Thank you also for the immensely important work you do to bring the awareness, acceptance, and true knowledge of these medicines and all that they are capable of offering, to the world at large. It is valuable beyond measure.