I thought often of my breathing, wanting to focus on it because of my problem with asthma. I felt disembodied -- it was hard to tell whether I was breathing or whether my heart was beating. I would draw in my breath consciously -- not knowing how long it had been since I last did that. At one point I worried that I would have to go to the hospital because I had stopped breathing. I decided that if that happened that I could handle it. There was no experience of fear.

My lover asked me to consider whether I had asked myself the question, "Do I deserve love?" I had never considered it in that way before. I realized that I wasn't sure. I experienced strong somatic effects when considering this idea, feelings of contraction in my gut. Not unpleasant. I began to feel that my breathing problems were connected with my fear of "doing the wrong thing," which would lead to loss of love.

I realize that this fear permeates my life, veritably smothering me. My lover told me he loved me for who I was, not what I did. Somehow this thought brought sadness. I had the thought quite a few times that there must be some reason other than me, myself, that I was loved -- for example it was karma, or that I was loved in spite of myself.

I began to have strong waves of feeling blessed, that I was incredibly fortunate to do the sessions, to be able to open up my heart and mind and look inside without the usual barrier of fear.

Post-session realizations:

The fire of love and trust will banish the demons of fear and pain. I had very old, childhood pain of abandonment by my father. The worst part was not knowing what had happened, and never seeing him again. I have had no trust that any man that I love would stay. I feel that I'm easily forgotten. I feel bad that my father forgot all about me. I realized that my father left because he was unhappy. I did not do anything to cause that. I did not create it, Mom did not create it; if anything Mom and Dad together co-created the problem. They both were doing what they thought was best. Dad probably thought that it was better for the kids if he did not come and visit. I forgave him for making this mistake. I forgave Mom for what she did and for not explaining.

I usually fear that the abandonment will happen with the man I love, that he will find someone with whom he would rather be than me. I experience this pain and fear when he doesn't call when he said he would, or when I can't find him. I fear that, like my father, I will never see him again.

I am now sure that the man I live with will continue to exist when I don't see him or hear from him. I now know that we have a special connection that will never be broken, even after we die.

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