Since I've found a place where I can bridge my higher self and my ego, I don't have to live trapped in my ego. I don't have to be trapped in the hurting part. That's hopeful, that means that we humans can be something more than the evil part of human and it also means we don't have to become Jesus Christ to do it; it's not such a big mountain to climb. We can heal ourselves without climbing to the very heights; there is an in-between place that's reachable for all of us. So that makes me hopeful. At the same time, when I see something like "The Killing Fields," it makes me so overwhelmed with the feeling that the job is so big, that there are so many people, the majority that are trapped in that other part and don't know about the god within. And what those two things, those two extremes, the hope and the sadness/desperation about the world, make me feel that there is something I need to do more than just work on myself. I need to help heal the world. And I don't know how to do it.

It's something more than just being kind and a teacher to the people who work for me, because I feel like the problem is so overwhelming. The problem is so overwhelming, yet there's the hopeful part that there is this place. If I can be here -- and when I say "be here" I don't mean just here living in my Christ consciousness, I mean be here pissed off, and all of it, I mean be here all of me, yet not let the part that separates and destroys control me; if I can do it, then the next person can do it.

We're working to get to the place where we can step aside of our egos and be in the place of love. The pain is still there, it's not denied, it's felt, but there's another avenue we can use, and the pain gets healed. So, I need to do the healing in my life; that's where I work first. But, now I can feel 'cause I don't feel so much a captive of my own problems, 'cause I feel those are workable. I feel it's not enough to just do it in that little circle that I do it in. I've always seen the need for the healing but I never saw that there was really an out, 'cause I was also a captive of my ego, but now I've watched how in the last several years I can get out from under that control.... I've always felt the pain of humanity, but now I see that there is hope, that if I can do this then others can. So, that's the change.... The change is not that the pain of humanity has lessened; there's been a ray of light in all that pain, and the ray of light is "I am able to step out of it."

I find that the Adam experience now tends not to be so distinct from the rest of my life, it starts to be part of life without taking anything.

My body does not exist from my hips down, but my back right now feels like it is absolutely on fire! Oh my god, my back is burning up. It's going up to my head, too. Is this what they mean by kundalini? It's incredible. It's like you're on fire. Incredible! I've had it in the lower back before, but this is up into my head. Lot of it around the higher back, the heart.... I'm staying in my body 'cause this heat on my back is keeping me more in my body. I guess that's my lesson, to stay in my body more. It's this heat. I feet like I'm going to be sick to my stomach. It's burning up. It's in my head burning up too.... This heat is keeping me in my body. I also feel sick to my stomach. There are flashes of white light again. I see, I've been working on bridging there and here: the heat keeps me in my body but the light can still be here. Last time I got lost in the light, this time it just comes and goes. The heat is burning up, going up out of the top of my head. I'm shaking. It's burning, burning. I feel like my head is on fire. It started on my lower back, but now it's moved up my back, and in my head. It's like it's on fire. Incredible. The light peeks in now and then. It's as if something else has overtaken my body.... Amazing.... My mouth is so dry, everything is burning up. I can't swallow, it won't go down.... It's just this heat moving up my back. Now it's at the base of my neck between my shoulders. It flows up into my head. Part of me is outside watching it. I felt no fear, no resistance or dread, etc.

The white light isn't steady this time.... I really am learning all the time. I'm not getting any messages this time.... Now the heat seems more even up and down my spine... Now it feels like it's spread in my whole back.... There's heat everywhere.... With the heat here I'm staying in my body. I guess that's what I want to do, bridge all this, bring it together... My whole body is vibrating.... I just had a vision of the world as a person, the same separateness from self as a person....

I'm very much here, I'm not out of my body at all. The music makes me see little people living in harmony.... The music is playing my brain.... It's burning around my heart.... I feel like having energy in my heart, but I have to move it out so it can come back.... I don't know if this always happens, 'cause I'm usually not in my body, but my mouth is like a desert! It's like the energy is forcing itself out of my mouth now.... Energy....

Rushes of energy go through me, waves of energy, and I shake (waves of shudders from my toes to my head). It's rushing up my spine to my brain.... This energy is incredible. It's in waves. Going in waves clear up me.... I give myself very little space to be ... to be and not to try.... This is my lesson, to experience all this in my body .... I already know the learning. I just need to go with what I know....

Waves of energy are going through my body. Incredible... It's like I'm a clarinet, and you blow on the clarinet and your breath comes out the other end but so does this wonderful music. The energy flows through me and what I can do is make it into music; it doesn't have to come out of me the same way it went through me. I can make it what I want, but once it leaves me there can be music that goes with it, so the next person it hits, it's not just energy (breath), it's also music. I always felt that because it has to be channeled through my ego, it would lose its music, but that's not true. Sometimes it does, sometimes the ego can be pretty dense and dark. My ego is the clarinet. I feel like I'm completing the bridging of ego and Self. Something happened here. Oh, the light just came on; I guess its affirming that something happened. The ego is the clarinet, but the higher Self is the musician. Yes, that's it. So, not only does energy not have to be stuck, but it doesn't have to come out as just energy, it can be music. I want it to be love.

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