Sunday morning: not quite 24 hours since my encounter with Adam. A new day is beginning. I feel soft. I feel present. And I am filled with my spirituality.

In many ways yesterday was a spiritual experience. I am moved by my love and by my connection with God. I think for quite some time I've been somewhat out of touch with that. I remember one morning not too long ago, as I was putting on my nylons and heels and my silk business suit, my "armor," as I refer to my work presentation, I said "I feel like I'm losing myself." Adam was an opportunity for a return to self.

It was also a completion of the past in some ways. I am moved by how clearly I saw my mother's death, and how peaceful I am with that. I am very aware of my mother's connection with God, and of her gift of love and appreciation. I'm committed to carrying that forth, and expressing it in the world. And I felt compassion and forgiveness for my father. I am really appreciating who I am in all of this, my experience of love and how all right everything is with me.

I remember when the power of Adam was at its peak, I felt that I would be carried away, that I would go unconscious. The guide told me to lie down, and I wouldn't. Maybe I didn't surrender? I felt like I was holding on. And I gripped the pillow and the sofa. What would have happened if I let go? I had intense body sensations at the peak. I felt like my brain was going to explode through the top of my head. My jaw chattered and clamped, and I chewed the inside of my mouth and the sides of my tongue with my clenching teeth. I felt for sure I was going to throw up. I remember perspiring. My face and hands were wet.

The intense part seemed quite brief. There was a fast and steep climb from the beginning to the climax and then a rather gentle and long denouement with the end coming around ten in the evening, when I went to sleep. I took the tryptophane, but I did not sleep well.

I'm more aware than ever that I have a particular model of the world. Suffering is something I'm grappling with. Yesterday I saw that my view of the world is just that, a view. Yesterday created an opening for me, an opportunity for me to shift my map of the world. Yesterday was also a completion around my experience of being a woman. This malelfemale thing has been an issue in my life. There's something I saw that allowed me to appreciate being a woman in a way I never had before. Again, there's an opening, and it has to do with being fully powerful, and being a woman. I also experienced compassion for men. I remember saying "God made men, too, so they must be OK."

I go back to work tomorrow after being off for two weeks. I feel apprehensive. This opening of the heart is lovely. As I said before, I feel soft. I have the thought that this is too vulnerable a position to be in, that I seem to need to harden up, to get my armor on, in order to go out and function in the business world.

I want to stay "opened," full of heart and love. This is where the joy is, and the possibility of life as celebration. As E. E. Cummings says, "Since feeling is first, he who pays any attention to the syntax of things will never wholly kiss you

Monday evening: I got through Monday. I felt quite emotional most of the day. I suspect it has something to do with having had an experience of Heart, of being in touch with that which we're really all about, something of essence, of spirit, of source, of our deep sensitivities, our humanity, as contrasted sharply with that which most of us interact with on a day-to-day basis: concerns about making money, treating each other shallowly, dealing with numerous seemingly unimportant details, playing political games, driving in rush hour traffic, not "connecting." What I need to do is be in whatever environment, whatever circumstances, full of heart, and love, and spirituality. To bring peace and joy to whatever situation. To have a light heart, an open heart.

Tuesday evening: I had a great day. Nothing particularly special happened in terms of circumstances. I realize that when I have a "bad" day, or things are not going right, I wonder to myself "What's wrong with me?" And when I have a good day, I take it for granted, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. Today I decided to take credit for having a "good" day. Today, three days after Adam, I would say that what stands out for me is the potential Adam has as an aid in breaking up one's reality, and for seeing into the beauty of one's Being. I want to underline the importance of the context created for the experience. It would not be the same experience without a wise and loving guide.

Thursday evening: I've had a fantastic past few days. I'm really loving this new appreciation of being a woman. Something actually happened for me: I am done with trying to prove something. There's still some unsorted stuff in this area, but I do think I've shifted things. There's something I know about being a woman that I didn't know before. And this impacts on one of my goals: to appreciate myself and express myself more fully.

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