Before, my life was full of fear and doubt. Even though I had worked on myself for such a long time I had only been able to intellectualize (for myself) that we are all God. I could help clients feel that or touch it, and I could heal them of assorted problems. But I could not love myself as I could love them, nor could I let much love in -- as much as I wanted to. I began to work in therapy and I started to embrace my feelings, and in so doing I learned to accept myself.

I saw that I had to achieve an end to struggle, fear, and doubt, in order to be free to experience love. When I was offered the sacrament I knew that I would take it, but fear and doubt and my alter ego had to be overcome sufficiently to conquer my resistance.

The experience was exquisite and remarkable. As I took the sacrament I experienced a never-going-back feeling. My higher self swallowed deeply. I surrendered to the death of my outworn fears and doubts. They were replaced with an incredible flow of joy throughout my body. I felt far away at first, and soon I was everywhere or anywhere. I was formless yet really alive for the first time (in this life, anyway). My higher self spoke to me and showed me many past lives as well as current life circumstances. I was lovingly forgiven for all the sins I felt I had committed.

At first I had a sense that I had arrived on a plane composed of the notes of the music, then on a plane composed totally of color. Everything was intensely alive and joyful. I found it so wonderful to be out of my body. I felt myself as my higher self, forgiving all of my lives and making them whole, finished, no more an influence now. I also felt that my migraine headache would now pass away at last, perhaps not suddenly, yet surely.

My body danced and leaped with the kundalini energy. I just let it dance, and I loved it. I knew that I could love and be loved. I felt that both were one. I felt safe, safe and secure. Occasionally the alter ego would make a comment that nothing had happened here that was important, and that I wasn't doing anything right! I was amazed that it was still trying to take me over. I simply lay there, loving myself, even with those thoughts. The thoughts eventually disappeared, and I asked my higher self to take me deeper, to show me more.

I feel I experienced death and its beauty, and I felt the dissolving of large amounts of fear. The first time I opened my eyes I felt my higher self looking out of them, with joy, love, and tenderness for all life.

My dream life has been exceedingly real, and I have been able to recreate the feeling of leaving and of returning to my body. It is an ecstatic and an unbelievably free feeling. I have experienced three very powerful dreams: one past life, one present but alternative life, and an experience with my mother (who died last November). My ability to be in the dream yet objective to it is even better than before. I feel that I can better understand prayer and how to pray. This is again a revelation, and I feel real gratitude for this privilege given to me.

I am trusting myself more in all matters, and I am more patient and forgiving. Yet I feel free to chose with whom to spend time . My intuition with clients is better. I am looking again at the Kabballah, particularly the middle pillar, the Kabbalistic cross. I am finding creative ways to solve my financial bind. In fact I feel that it is solved, and that, again, I on arriving at the place where the solutions are offered! I am looking forward to taking the sacrament again. It is a marvellous gift for communicating with my higher self. I feel so much closer to myself now. I believe that I will eventually be able to create this state and to maintain it when I so choose. I marvel at what lies beyond it!

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