Approximately 15 minutes after taking the Adam, my head began to feel out of kilter and my body more relaxed. I began to feel vulnerable and childlike, needing reassurance from my sitters that they would not exclude me, or ignore me. As people talked, there was a "zing" to their words as they first spoke.

I continued to regress, becoming a very young child -- a creature who seemed brand new to this planet, a very innocent being full of curiosity and vulnerability. There were wonderful energy releases in my body, especially in my jaws, where I carry much tension. I found myself continuing the sounds and the facial contortions I had made during the breathing.

At first I needed nurturing, and I needed reassurance from those around me that they accepted my strangeness. My sister encouraged me to look for acceptance from within, and that helped me to get more within myself. At one point I sucked the breasts of one of my sitters. It was wonderful and fulfilling to nurse from her as we sat on the rocks in the sun by the ocean.

Throughout this process my Mind functioned at different levels: the "judge" was judging that it was inappropriate for a grown woman to nurse, and was I a latent lesbian; the therapist part was going "Yea! You're having a Good Breast Experience!" At the same time I was an infant, surrendering to the sucking process.

Having received from those around me, I was now ready to be alone, and to go more within. I had a sense of being guided by my inner and outer teachers. I was taken back through my life, and given fuller explanations of the various turning points in my life. I uncovered deeper understandings of why I am in certain relationships, why I have felt and acted the way I have, and why others have acted as they have. It was very valuable to me at this time, as I had been going through a period in which I was experiencing much self-doubt, guilt, and regret regarding the decisions I'd made in this life and regarding my behavior in many relationships. There was clarification of the various tests and training I had been receiving in this lifetime and of the direction in which that was moving me.

It was also brought home to me my areas of vulnerability. I saw my misuse of mind-altering substances in this life, and in past lives my resistance to letting go of the high. It was mandatory that I be willing to dance with the whole process, and not cling or push away any part of it. Also, I saw that in the past I'd had shamanistic powers, and I'd misused them. I went on ego and power trips that resulted in my involvement with the dark forces. At this point in my life it is possible for me to open to my deeper powers again as long as I remember that I use them in the service of God, and not for my ego.

The whole experience felt like an initiation. It was frightening and exhilarating. I was urged to be more physical, to be more in my body, which contains the secrets of who I am, the blueprint for my unfoldment.

The intensity of the experience decreased, I felt a profound sense of deprivation and a desire to be back where I was the moment before. Then I would gently tell myself not to cling (which is what I used to do when I drank) but to let go and experience the present moment. Ile anxiety dissipated and there was a sense of peace and contentment with the new level. The key over and over was to not cling nor to push anything away -- just as the Buddha taught.

Upon awakening the next day I felt anxiety in having let go of so much control the previous day (though I never felt out of control), and I felt sad that my boundaries made me feel so closed up again. For the next few days I moved in and out of being able to open and to let go more, then bringing in my old boundaries. I now understand more clearly how I close myself up.

I look forward to returning home and exploring my relationships with various family members using the new information I received. I am grateful that I now know experientially that there is so much more to me, and to life, than I perceive on a daily basis.

Return to Index