I took 150 plus 63 mg Adam. While lying down to wait for the effect I did not feel well, rather depressed. The effect began after forty minutes, and after one hour I wanted to leave my cave, being attracted by other people of our group who walked happily along the beach. I felt very attracted by the sand as part of Mother Earth, and I sat for a long time pouring sand all over my body like a snake or a crab, sideways. Slowly people came together and a long period of close and intimate contact began.

I felt totally safe, self-confident, really identified with my Buddha nature and relating to the very same nature in other people. That's how God created us! Then M. had a kundalini episode that frightened me initially very much; there was so much openness that her fear and my fear melted and our connection increased. I started clenching my jaws, which was obviously more than a drug effect and was in fact a dramatization of my usual way of dealing with my fear. I found that sucking a woman's breast or kissing released the clenching immediately, so I did that a lot with great delight.

Coming down was quite difficult in the next three days. I could observe in detail how the closing up of my openness was related to a series of subtle fear reactions starting from my fear with M's kundalini experience. I again found myself very depressed, at the same time observing more clearly the process of getting depressed and seeing new perspectives with which to deal with it: trying to stay open and talk without the drug -- very simple, very difficult.

A week later I did a much more internalized trip. I was lying on my blanket, rocking gently and becoming identified with my happy self, which was talking and teaching my depressed self. I was supported by this very gentle, floating guitar music. I could show to my depressed self that there have been happy times in my mother's womb (even though my mother didn't want the pregnancy), especially during the latter stages of the pregnancy. We -- my two selves -- experienced being gently carried around on vacations in Lausanne: I could see the sea and the beach promenade (I must check with my mother to see whether she had been there one or two months before my birth!). I tenderly encouraged my depressed self, and I laughed with it, and showed a lot of love to it.

At the same time my right arm shook for about two hours in a steady kundalini rhythm that felt just wonderful! Finally my shaking right hand banged for a long time against my sixth chakra, then against the seventh, causing flashes of lightning within my head. This was the first kundalini experience of my life, and a whole new perspective of looking at tensions and symptoms opened up. My right arm became paralyzed when my father died, and my psychoanalyst could not really clear up the symptom.

Then I needed more dramatic music, 'Shakti', by John McLaughlin, and I was gently born. A wonderful period of contact began. The coming down was less difficult because my happy self did some preparatory work for that and because the session had come to a completion after going through some more important work.

Three days later I went into another Adam experience with a strong orientation of "I want to go further with that kundalini experience." For a long time I repeatedly played 'Shakti', and again I experienced a lot of shaking. I could study very clearly the inhibiting effect of thinking and planning on the spontaneous unfolding of that shaking life force. I got some very clear insights into my actual relationships and I found the courage to clear them up. Also I understood that the paralysis of my arm was an attempt to suppress shaking as an expression of all the tensions and contradictory feelings in that period, as well as other physical symptoms, especially in the lower back. I could see that the effect of Adam decreases when taken too often in a short period of time and that the side effects increase (headaches).

The next day I had my last breathing session in our workshop: it was the most important and intense session I had ever had -- a very deep kundalini experience. I see Adam as a perfect preparation for that non-drug experience and I am very grateful for that.