My main desire in using MDMA was as a means for franker, deeper communication with people I feel close to, but with whom this feeling is not often explored or expressed.

My experience with MDMA had two main components: the physical "high" and the interpersonal interactions. The latter was definitely the part of my MDMA experiences that were most strikingly different from anything I had ever experienced in my life, whether using drugs or not.

Physically, the rush that I felt as the drug took effect was similar to, but perhaps smoother than, my recollections of a limited number of trips on LSD, mushrooms, or other hallucinogens. In both MDMA experiments I first felt a gradual but steadily increasing light-headedness (a very pleasant high). This was joined within five or ten minutes by a strong feeling of warmth centered in my stomach and abdomen, but spreading out very evenly to my extremities. The headiness tapered off fairly early and became less noticeable as the sessions went on, but the sense of warmth throughout my body was quite pronounced.

After the initial physical effects established themselves, the interpersonal effects began to emerge. With the people in the first session whom I did not know very well, there were mainly very positive expressions of mutual pleasure and enjoyment of shared experience (we had just been together for six days on a vacation) and what seemed to be genuine desires for on-going friendships. These interactions could fall into the too-good-to-be-true category, because they were overwhelmingly positive and hopeful, with almost no critical information exchanged. In short, these interactions were warm and to the point of being inspiring as long as I didn't examine them too carefully. Remembering them now, at some distance in time and space, I find that I am slightly suspicious of the depth and commitment of these exchanges.

With the people I knew well, however, the intimacy and honesty that I felt being exchanged were unmatched in my experience. This is certainly the characteristic of MDMA that most impressed me on both occasions. The conversations, whether one-on-one or in the group of close friends, were close to the bone without causing defensive reactions. At least I felt this in myself. I was able to express feelings about myself and about my friends that had long gone unsaid; it felt very good and very sincere to be able to say these things.

Not everything said in the more intimate conversations was positive, either. Doubts and inadequacies, both past and present, were spoken of with relative ease and openness. Discussions were at a sustained level of seriousness that would ordinarily be difficult to maintain. There was very little drive to to outdo each other with wit and one-upmanship; the conversations were to-the-point, with little hesitation or affectation. I didn't feel the need to tip-toe verbally, either; words came easily without the halting, searching style that I often notice in myself at times of attempted self-revelation.

This feeling was tempered by the strong feeling of shared concern that I felt. I seemed to be strongly and constantly aware of how much we all meant to one another. This feeling made further openness that much easier to achieve.

I reached a deeper understanding of my relationships with a small group of friends (those who participated in the session) and, by extension, a better awareness of how other people who know me well might perceive me. I also received a brief exposure to the personal belief systems of several people I respect very much, and this exposure led me to some thinking about my own philosophy.

The expressions of mutual concern and caring that came out between friends during the session definitely affected my general outlook for a short period of time (several weeks) after the session. I was somewhat less suspicious of other people's motives in general and I was more aware of expressing my feelings and my reactions to people around me. This outlook has faded as I have moved further in time from the session.

I think that the openness that emerged during the session has carried over into my day-to-day relationships; for a time after the session this was quite noticeable, but now it is more subtle and transitory.

I have been able to show more patience and tolerance in adjusting to unexpected and frustrating work circumstances. I think I am less prone to moodiness and temperamental silences, and I am more likely to confront difficult situations and to deal with them promptly. Again, however, these effects were more noticeable immediately after the session, and have been less so as time has passed.