I want to recount my experience while on Adam. As I lay on the mat after first taking the drug, I became greedily upset that the drug didn't seem to be working. I was so hungry for the drug. Just before my guide asked about how I was feeling, I felt the first rush of sensation.

As the effect became stronger I was surprised to feel pain. I had expected euphoria, and I felt that I was doing something wrong. When the guide asked again how I was doing, and I told him that I felt so much pain, he told me to go into that pain; that response freed me to have my experience and to go deeper. My breathing became shallow and spasmodic.

I think what came next was feeling myself beginning to spiral upwards from my body. As I spiralled up I broke through memory into my infancy. I was so sad and alone. I was a baby that couldn't find a mommy to comfort it when it was in fear. I was a baby coming out of the womb on the first day of its life, looking and seeing no one to greet it, as the most special nascent and fragile beautiful being. The baby's heart felt so pressed by coming back into the world without a face to look at the baby with awe and wonderment. That baby hurt so much. Where was that baby's mommy?

The baby looked backward in time. I'm looking for a time before the sadness, for a center that doesn't reek of the sadness. I'm floating in the womb. I still hurt. The womb is filled with my mommy's pain, but at the same time I don't know the difference between me and mommy, and mommy's pain is my pain. I know now that the heart is a light, but the light is so gripped by the pain that I can't rejoice yet. No, perhaps I don't want to rejoice. I hold onto the pain, but I don't know this during the Adam or during the baby time. The baby in the womb is looking for a time when the light was primary, to a time before the pain to serve as a foundation for the baby's life.

I knew that my mommy hurt. The day after Adam I took a hot tub and was in my mommy's womb again. This time I looked at the sun that was the heart and I saw the light, and I saw the clouds of pain around her heart. Maybe I was going backward to find a cure for my mommy. The baby knew about joy, but didn't know how to give it to mommy. Baby felt so much compassion. The baby is a sperm from daddy. Daddy is contaminated. He hates his penis place and the poor sperm babies that live there. Daddy doesn't give my sperm baby to mommy as a wonderful gift. He saddles her with me. The sperm baby has the bunched, ugly face of hate.

After going back to the sperm and still not finding a place before the pain in my life, I come back to being the baby. I see the light as a radiant fire. The sadness is still there but the possibility of light is brighter at every moment. So many babies come into the world, all with the possibility of being such radiant creatures. The poor babies: they need to be taken care of.